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9:52 a.m. - 2009-11-02

I had a fantastic day. I cannot tell you how I needed to see my friend. She and I have a great deal in common when it comes to caring for the environment, the legacy we leave our children, and what we put inside our body.

Returned around five o'clock to find my husband getting the baby to go out for a walk. They had just woken up from a three hour nap. He did not ask me how my day was, but he didn't give me any attitude either.

And that's the way it should be.

Could this be a breakthrough for our marriage. Certainly one for me individually.

I feel great.

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10:53 a.m. - 2009-10-27

As a result I feel second best, unappreciated and sad because it is a hell of a lot more important to me that we have time alone as a couple than it is to him. And that gives me pause.

He of course is Greek, as many of you already know, and admits that he has it in his head that he woman should stay home with the baby, and be more than happy to cook and clean all day, and open her legs to her husband at night...end of story. He says this of course with a mocking smile because he knows it will get my goat.

And then I give it to him. I tell him if that's the case then he married the wrong woman. And then he says, "You married the wrong man." And then I say, "I never wanted to be married...I married you because I loved you and wanted you to be able to see your family again."

That shut him up.

We had only known one another four months when I moved in with him, eight months when we got engaged, one year when we got married. There was nothing romantic about our engagement, and our relationship overall has always been short in the romance department. Basically I offered to marry him one day because we were already living together, I did love him, and me having a family that didn't give two shits about me, felt so sad that he had a family that loved and missed him and hadn't seen him in such a long time (because he overstayed his visa in the US and if he went back to Greece could never come back to America)...so I rushed things along a bit figuring it would mean that he would be able to travel that much sooner to see his family.

To me that is love. When you want someone to be happy. When you sacrifice things. When the tell you they need something and you give it to them because you can and because you want them to feel fulfilled in the relationship.

To this day every time I try to pursue an outer life, that is a life outside the family, with people my husband doesn't know he puts me down.

The other day I told him I wanted to take our son to a Halloween party sponsored by the Mom's Group I joined a few months back and he deemed the whole concept STUPID.

I am so sick and tired of hearing him use this word in regards to anything I try to do. While I am extremely supportive of him, he continues to be immature and hurtful when it comes to what I want and I've HAD IT.

I took my son to that party and he had a wonderful time, by the way. My husband could have gone but chose not to. His loss.

We would have many arguments over the weekend because he had wanted to go to Pennyslvania for the day on Saturday and I told him, "No problem go, but you'd better not stop ME from going to Pennyslvania to visit my friend the next weekend."

Mind you this is a friend I haven't seen in six, seven years. You would think he would say, "Sure go. No problem." You would think he would think about the fact that I was able to give him the gift of seeing his family after years, and the least he could do is let me go to fucking Pennsylvania for the day.

But there will be no more "letting". I will go. I don't need his approval.

I'm sick of hearing him tell me I want too much, and am "High class" whenever I ask for a little freedom. Or a night out with HIM.

I don't know how many times I can tell him what I need and not have him meet those needs before I throw my hands up in the air and make the decision, regardless of what a good provider he is, and what a great father he is, he's not being a great husband and that comes with the territory.

he didn't go to Pennsylvania because he didn't want me going to Pennsylvania, and bave his friends the impression that I was keeping him from their goddamn day trip. I made sure to tell each of them to the face the next time I saw them on Sunday that it was HE who kept himself from going because hd didn't want me to have a life. And they all told him he was being ridiculous. That he should let me go.

A happy wife, makes a happy household.

How can HE be so STUPID?

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4:13 p.m. - 2009-10-16

What the fuck?

We have no heat and my baby is sick, and it's 41 degrees out today.

So I filed a complaint against him, and the son of a bitch had better not try to make our lives misterable, because miserable people like making others miserable. And he is miserable.

Fortunately the other three tenants in the building (relator lady included) feel the same. We have all conspired to deduct from our rent next month.

The realtor came upstairs today and she told me she has his number in Greece and we tried to call, but he wasn't home. So we left a message with his sister.

He has no problem taking our rent each month and cashing it right away, but when it comes to our rights as tenants apparently this is a big problem....OURS.

The worst part of it is that tomorrow we're having my son's b.d. party. How can we have guests here if we have no heat? This puts a damper on it.

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2:02 p.m. - 2009-10-14

And oh how motherhood has tried and tested and transformed me. I had no idea what I was getting into. The hardest thing I've had to come to terms with his giving up the need to control everything because you can't.

Babies are unpredictable. And toddlers, even more so. You never know what is going to set them off. Also my need to organize everything, anbd keep the house in order has had to take a back seat, leaving me feeling out of control and overwhelmed. I am learning to take all of this in stride.

The most important thing is my son's happiness and his progress.

I wake up every day and try to remember to thank the universe/god for three things...the only things that matter to me in this world:

1. My family's health
2. My family's safety
3. My family's happiness

Unfortunately health has not come easy over the last few months. My son is now experiencing his fourth bout of illness, and my husband and I on our fifth. I just cancelled my involvement in the local mom's group this winter because I know I won't be venturing out of the house much. Call me overcautious, but I want to minimize my son's expsosure to germs as much as possible. I am terrified of the Swine Flu.

I am wondering what thoughts, if any, you have all given to the vaccine, and whether or not you'll be vaccinating your children or yourself this flu season.

I'm still on the fence and so terribly confused.

So althought today is my son's birthday, we will be celebrating over the weekend with a Thomas the Train themed party. The party is, of course, more for us than it is for him. Because a two year old has no concept of what a birthday is. I am nervous about the money we are spending because as of the end of this week my husband will be out of work. Not sure how long this will last, but when you're living on one income missing just one day of work will humble you and take the joy out of the day.

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10:44 p.m. - 2009-10-04

I have started taking better care of myself since I came down with not one, not two, but three colds in a matter of two months. This has prompted me to go to bed early (although not this evening), take all the necesary vitamins (Multi, Vitamin D, and Omega 3), and start juicing daily. I've been enjoying fresh juices with everything in them from beets, to collard greens, to swiss chard, cucumbers, celery, carrots and apples. I am loving it. I've also cut meat out of my diet and gotten my caffein consumption down to one cup of coffee a day. When I want to drink coffee I now drink a delicious substitute for coffee called Teecino. I can't get anough of this.

I will resume my exercise regimen tomorrow. So that will be one more thing I'll have to get done during my son's daily nap...which is now back down to only an hour and a half a day because he's teething again.

But I have my health back again, and I'm grateful, and when I step back and look at my life from a distance, I really do have a blessed life and I never want to take it for granted.

My husband and I are doing well. Our sex life is finally on an upswing again. We are communicating better, and just enjoying our son.

And that's the scoop for now dear friends....until we meet again.

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1:54 p.m. - 2009-09-29

The first week we were there it rained.

Second week I got really sick with a nasty cold and just when I was starting to feel better got hit with a stomach flu.

I had to share my husband with not just one, but SEVERAL people. I think the entire time we were there I might have actually spent two days alone with him.

We were constantly surrounded by people.

We did not get to stay in a hotel for five days, as was the original plan. The baby did not deal well with being left with his grandmother during our day trips, so four days into our trip we decided it best to cancel the hotel.

I ended up staying in my husband's village for THREE weeks which would have been fine except that.... it was cold up there in the mountains.... if the sun didn't shine there was no hot water because they rely on solar power to generate their hot water....his village is small and everybody wants to know your business and they TALK... I don't speak fluent Greek and no one in his village could speak English... I go crazy if I can't find a little time for myself and there was no where to go to do that.

That said, the food was fresh from my mother-in-law's garden and I didn't have to cook. His family are gracious and wonderful, but I'm just strange when it comes to having no alone time. Everyone wanted me to feel at home. I got to see where my husband grew up and meet his friends and family FINALLY, after five years together but....I'm so happy to be home.

I haven't written sooner because since we returned we've been passing another cold around, and then again. I have been sick three times in two months. I'm just starting to feel like myself again thanks to antibiotics, which I did NOT want to have to take. But sometimes you can't help it.

The baby is talking more and more every day. He surprised me about two weeks ago with the word "car". Other favorite words are "spoon" (oon), "more"(Mo), "dino" and "night night" and "ball' (ba). He was slow to learn because he is being raised bilingually.

He will be two years old October 14th. I cannot believe two years has passed. Before you know it I'll be saying that at five, ten, fifteen years and wish I could go back in time. I have to remind myself of how important it is to be present and in the moment when I'm ranting and raving about how I have no time for myself and I never knew how hard motherhood would be. Because at the end of the day...I am incredibly blessed.

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10:24 a.m. - 2009-08-31

I did not.

More later.

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12:47 p.m. - 2009-08-03

Have a great rest of the summer. I'll have plenty to write about when I return, I'm sure!

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10:25 p.m. - 2009-07-31

I am almost one week away from taking what will be the very first vacation in two years. So there's been plenty to do in the way of packing, shopping, cleaning, etc. I am very excited about this trip.

The baby has been a handful. He is definitely already well into his terrible two stage. I find my patience being tried and tested almost daily. Regardless, he finds a away to make me smile and brings me so much joy, so it makes it all so worth it.

My husband and I have had little time or energy for intimacy, so this trip couldn't come at a better time. We are truly in need of intimacy and solace.

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12:32 p.m. - 2009-07-27

At least according to the big old greek woman at the church on Sunday, who patted my belly and asked me when I was expecting.

This comment could not have come at the worst time. You see I'm having my perios and I'm experiencing major beach whale bloatage, on top of just not feeling well overall (i.e. headaches, backaches, and sheer exhaustion).

I tried to tell myself it's the shirt I was wearing. When you have big boobs and you wear empire style blouses you're bound to get a comment like this eventually.

But the truth is, as hard as I have been working on the whole weight loss thing these past few weeks, I have not been working hard enough.

Maybe it's karma that made this woman open her big fat Greek mouth. (By the way Greek women are notorious for imposing their opinions on people and saying inappropriate things.) About a month ago I opened my big fat Irish mouth while I was visiting with a friend and asked her, without thinking, if she was pregnant.

I always vowed never to do this. Even if you think a woman looks pregnant, if she doesn't tell you she is never assume it, and certainly never ask. But the words flew out of my mouth like vomit and hit her. But she was cool, she let it roll off of her, after telling me to "Fuck off" with a smile.

I wish I could have told that woman to fuck off. That would have felt good.

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3:26 p.m. - 2009-07-23

I haven't exercised because I haven't been feeling well. And then the viscious cycle begins. I haven't been feeling well because I'm not exercising. And so on, and so on, and so on.

It's some sort of a stomach bug. And I'm not sleeping well these days. Baby has been waking CONSTANTLY for about a week now.

I'm trying to make sure we have everything in order for our trip to Greece. I just finalized the hotel yesterday. Cannot wait to get there. But I am dreading the airplane ride.

Our son does not like to sit still. That is problem number one. So I am already anticipating a lot of screaming and crying every time we try to get him back into his seat. Which brings me to problem number two. He doesn't have a seat!

The airline would have charged us a full price ticket for him to have his own seat, and at nearly $1,000 roundtrip to Greece, after taxes, surcharges, and handling fees, it looks like he'll be sitting in my lap or my husband's.

Problem number three....where in god's name will he sleep, IF he actually sleeps. I did request an area that has more leg room than the other seats. No we are not flying first class. I WISH. So it may be possible for him to lay on the floor. I'll jsut bring a sheet and his travel pillow with blanket and hope this arrangement works.

Problem number four....my husband refuses to bring our stroller. He insists the baby will not sit in it at the airport. And he's right. But what if the baby is sleeping when we get off the plane? How will we manage him and our luggage? Even if he's not sleeping, how will we manage? We will definitely bring his childsafe harness, which is really a nice way for saying a LEASH.

I could go on, but I'll end there. You get the picture.

But once we get to our destination I suspect he'll have a ball with his grandma and his cousins, while mommy and daddy go and spend some quality time ALONE at THIS beautiful hotel. From there we'll take day trips to the surrounding mountains, beaches and city life.

I cannot wait. Two and a half weeks to go.

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